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London dancer battles bulimia, returns to ballet
I'm Jane, based in London, UK, and am 29 years old. As with so many others, my dream as a child was to become a professional ballet dancer.
I devoted all of my free time to ballet classes and reached Elementary level of the Royal Academy of Dancing at 16. However, once I had passed the exam I truly felt that my teachers were not as encouraging as I really needed them to be, in order to progress further professionally.
They seemed indifferent, and I kept my disappointment inside. There was never any open communication, even though (as a local school) I was the only student who took the exam bar. It was such a disappointment that they didn't even seem remotely happy that all their work in teaching had paid off; I was just a local girl in a local school (outside of London).
Looking back now, I wish I had had the courage of my conviction and just pushed myself, or at least had been honest with them about my hopes. It was all or nothing for me then. Falling into the dangerous cycle of bulimia, for the next 12 years I gave up dancing completely.
Within this year I've been thinking about what being fulfilled could actually mean, to let go of all the guilt and secrecy that accompanies bulimia.
I have a wonderful family and partner, and am a happy, positive person. I'm not one to revel in sadness, or overdramatize life and it's certainly not healthy to be too self-obsessed(!). I guess I understand now that it's important to acknowledge past demons and simply move on.
I miss the release that ballet classes give you, the balance of discipline and expression, and the inspiration. I once I had the privilege of taking a class with Travis Kemp, who said that music enters through your ears, travels down to your tummy, rumbles around and finally releases itself through your limbs like a longing ache for something "other." He was in his seventies when he taught
me and commanded so much respect from the class with his unearthly charisma.
So with much gusto, I've finally booked myself into a ballet class after far too long. I've fished out my old pointe shoes, looking now rather worse for wear but bearing such a bounty of memories, and (without taking myself too seriously) am filled with a mixture of terror and elation with the anticipation of dancing again. I'm hoping to rekindle my first love with a little more
courage this time, wherever it may lead... -- Jane
