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However, the seed had been planted! I worked out each and every day with a combination of Luigi jazz warmups, center barre, and Pilates stretches -- even during pregnancy and after surgeries. I credit this for allowing me to retain some amount of flexibility and muscle memory. Funny -- for some reason, I always thought I would use this again, somewhere, but dancing again was the farthest thing from my mind.
Anyway, when my daughter was three, my husband suggested I start her in dance. I was actually lukewarm to the idea, as I remembered the pain I felt, loving it and feeling unable to make it my life. I decided to try one jazz class a week, and after two weeks, switched to ballet.
And, I fell in love all over again. Within a month, I was taking at least three classes a week, and travelling throughout the city to find a place that really fit my needs! Alas, that place did not exist. After ten months, I was accepted into a dance program at a local college, but because of my age, was not required to take an audition. (As I'd discovered, the adult is hardly ever taken seriously.) The five semesters I spent in the program (all ballet, I may add) were the most poignant of my life. I felt that I was living the life I always should have had. I felt that I had gone back in time, living a little piece of my dream. It was as unbelievably happy as it was sad.
One good thing about age is that you can be more realistic and objective about everything, including yourself. I never had any delusions about becoming professional, or even performing. But I expected to receive the training and education I was paying for; I expected to be treated with integrity and respect, and -- naively, I guess -- I expected there to be a level of professional standards and treatment, even in such an "artsy" environment.
The school's training, curriculum, rehearsal/performance process, etc., were simply not geared for an adult, and most of the teachers -- as well as the teenagers -- ignored me. The only thing that kept me going every day was my love of dance, and the fact that I was achieving things I had never before done in my life! Granted, I was not as good as most of the younger students, but at 41, and not having had danced for 15 years, didn't think I looked so horrible! I could feel myself getting stronger, more relaxed, more polished, and yet -- it all came from within. I had no support, encouragement, or feedback from the faculty.
When I finally realized that the frustration was no longer worth it, I gave notice to the artistic director, who said that if I had come to an audition, he would have "kicked me out" halfway through barre! (He couldn't have told me that before I spent thousands of dollars?)
Well, things do have a way of turning out for the best. I transferred to another school where, although no dance major is offered, the dance electives are taught by a wonderful woman who has helped in rebuilding my confidence. She has convinced me to try other styles, has allowed me to teach some of her ballet classes, and was instrumental in helping me to find part-time employment at a local studio. (Although I teach all levels and ages, my favorites are adults.) There seem to be so few of us; we need each other! Families, friends, and acquaintances may think us nuts, but we're compelled to do this for some reason!
I feel fortunate to have had the experiences I did, as they will help me become the teacher I wished I'd have had earlier. As important as technique is, everyone has something that is intangible, and when you've lived longer, you have more to bring to dance. A good teacher can be instrumental in bringing that out in you. The energy exchange, the joy, the sense of dance feeling right: those are all as much of dance as knowing the names of the steps! Even though my dreams will never come true in the actual sense, if I can motivate anyone or others to reach a small part of theirs, my journey has had a purpose.
Update 1.3.02:
Well, much has happened this year. It is truly surprising how opportunity keeps building on itself!
With the success of my class's dance in our studio's recital, I was given responsibility of several other classes, including younger childrens', and beginning jazz and tap. Since it's been even a longer time since I'd studied other styles, it is a learning process all over again! With the help of other teachers and instructional tapes/videos, the information is out there, although it
takes some doing to pull it all together.
What I've learned most is how dance transcends age; it's all a matter of communication and focus. It's a fascinating study of how a 4-year-old learns compared with a teen, or how an adult learns compared with a college student. I start a class for senior citizens this month, and am grateful for this chance to broaden my methods and learn more about the way age affects dancers.
Another intersting story: I answered an newspaper ad placed by a woman who wanted to start her own company. After I met her and took her class, she accepted me and I was thrilled! But it was too good to be true. It turned out that she needed dancers because others had left her. She had a benefit scheduled in three months, with no music and little choreography prepared, and wanted to use my work! (She even asked if I'd sew the costumes!)
To get this together by showtime would have required a great deal of rehearsal, and there was no guarantee of any monetary reimbursement. Sadly, I walked away. It was difficult to leave what could have been a little bit of my dream (in my 40s!), but I had to face reality.
As adults, we have family and work commitments, and investing such a huge amount of time, energy, and emotion in a project that seemed doomed did not seem a wise decision. (I never saw this benefit advertised or reviewed, so for all I know, it was cancelled.)
On a more positive note, I can't praise yoga highly enough -- I wish I'd started earlier! It seems meant for older dancers, since all the stretches and poses are slow and and sustained, without overstretching. (After my last class, I could do a full split -- something I have never been able to do, even after a grueling ballet class!) Oh by the way -- my yoga teacher is in her 50s.
Update 4.7.03: Well, I finally did it: I "premiered" in an actual ballet at the ripe old age of 40-something!
Our city has a free paper focused on entertainment, but the only audition listings are usually for little theater productions, choral groups, etc. (Dance in our town is dominated by one major ballet company and a couple of modern ones.)
Anyway, an opera company was producing a Gilbert & Sullivan operetta and a separate G&S ballet, "Pineapple Poll." The ballet choreography and direction were being handled by a local performing arts company I never even knew existed. So, I called and inquired if the audition was open to adults, and was told yes, if advanced. Well, I went, and it actually wasn't that difficult or intimidating.
Now, to be honest, not too many women attended the audition (and except for one other adult, they were in their early 20s), but we all were accepted. Now I see that those of us given corps roles are at about the same level, so in this case, the choreographer was lucky!
I was chosen to portray one of the six "town girls" who do the majority of the dancing. It turned out to be the perfect vehicle for someone in my position, as it was a humorous, character ballet, done in flat shoes instead of pointe. There is a lot of acting needed, and a good deal of partnering. The fact that it wasn't a structured, rigid kind of ballet where every finger needs to be perfect took a lot of stress off. And the knee length, full dresses hid a lot of technical imperfections, which was a godsend in the finale's dreaded fouette turns!
Well, we've finished our sixth performance, with three more to go. It's been an experience for which I'm deeply grateful.
Now, it's not all sweetness and light: The emotional place where the "kids" are is often discomforting, my partner has failed me on lifts, and I tend to beat myself up if my timing is even slightly off. But I am still so glad I decided to venture out back on that cold, snowy day to an unfamiliar part of town a half hour away. Logistically, one can only do this if unencumbered with family or work obligations -- but for a relatively short period in one's life, it really is worth any sacrifices.
As far as my teaching is concerned, I sent out resumes to several local studios offering my services as a substitute teacher on an as-needed basis, and only one called me back. But, it turned out to be a professional studio with high standards that pays more than twice what I normally get! I worked one evening, then they called me back for three more over the last four months.
It's really good to compare the differences among studios and to compare the children's level of expertise. I'm growing as a teacher, and, unfortunately, perhaps away from my present employer. I'm seeing teaching curriculums and processes that I value, but which my current boss views differently. So, I do not know where my future will be. I may give up teaching entirely and just continue with my own weekly class at our city's professional company school, and see whether I can continue performing. In any event -- it can be done! Go adults!!!
Annual update 6.14.04: Well, I did resign from the studio, and doing so resulted in my adult ballet class being cancelled. I felt horrible deserting them, but there were too many things I disagreed with in the running of the ballet program. Regardless of how I conducted my classes, I did not feel good being associated with a studio that, in my opinion, did not provide the best possible curriculum and standards for its students. After my suggestions fell on deaf ears (not convenient for teachers and not immediately profitable) I left, and was honest as to the reason. The way I see it, if you can't have integrity for something you feel passionate about, when can you have it?
As an adult returning to ballet, I realized that it was my early basic training that saved me, allowing me not only to fall back into dance, but continue to grow. It was that early discipline that gave me understanding and appreciation, and if not for that, I may have never come back. Children at this studio (and probably many others) are rushed through the basics, with the emphasis on recitals or competition. When I pointed out that they would be at a disadvantage should they wish to pursue a career or even return to dance when older, I was told, "They aren't going anywhere," What if my first teacher had that attitude? What if every teacher of adult ballet students had that attitude?!
A month later I received a three-month temporary position at a musical theatre academy, becoming my biggest challenge ever. It required me to utilize everything I've learned, and revamp my entire teaching process. A Broadway-type combination had to be taught in every class, and since the majority of the students were primarily actors or singers, it could not be of a highly technical or difficult nature. But, they had to learn quickly, and learn properly. So, I gave each class a theme, and from there worked backwards to look at the muscle movements that would be needed for that theme. From there, I used any and all disciplines for the warm up: ballet, jazz, lyrical, modern and yoga. It came at the right time of this journey, which again assures me that nothing learned is ever wasted, and to consider every opportunity, even if it's not directly related to ballet!
After finishing there, I began giving a teenaged former student private ballet classes at my home. I enjoy one-on-one consultation, and hope to do the same with a few adults. My goal is to work with adults who want to return to ballet, but may be unable, or too intimidated, to attend regularly scheduled, structured classes. I'd like to get them to the point where they can walk into a class feeling good about themselves and not have any surprises! (Not for nothing did I have the experiences I did -- they must have been meant for something!) I'll update all of you again in another year to let you know if I'm closer to achieving this goal! Don't stop dancing! -- Karen
